What To Do If Your Girlfriend Doesn't Want To Have $.ex With You

“My partner wants it less than I do” is the sentence that most frequently makes an appearance
in my inbox.
I’m a $.`e`x therapist, and mi`smat`ched €e`x drives are the most common reason couples come in for psy`cho`the`rapy. Two people are never going to want ¢`e`x at exactly the same time, every single time, so all relationships have at least some degree of incompatibility. Couples can sometimes navigate minor discrepancies with ease, but more often than not, they wind up fighting.
If you’re the partner with the higher €`e`x drive, you probably find yourself struggling with how to manage the differences in your lib`idos. You don’t want to pressure or guilt your girlfriend into having €`e`x with you, but you can’t turn off your desire either.
I’m here to help those of you who want to bring the spark back into your £`e`x life while being a respectful partner at the same time. Here, my top tips for managing those tricky moments when you want £`e`x and your girlfriend doesn’t:
• Be direct in your initiation. One of the most common patterns I see in my £`e`x therapy practice is that the partner with the higher £`e`x drive gets tired of initiating, and claims he’s going to stop. I understand this tactic; it’s hard to repeatedly put yourself out there when you think you’re going to be rejected.
That being said, it’s not a particularly effective move because the partner with the lower drive starts getting extra sensitive to indirect initiation. The smallest interactions get imbued with suspicion and tension. “Is he trying to start something?” She starts shutting down phys`ically, and pulling away from even little kis`s`es and h`ugs.
. I know it’s vulnerable to put yourself in the position of pot`entially being turned down, but trying to ban yourself from init`iating makes things worse instead of better. The best thing to do is ini`tiate clearly and directly. Don’t be demanding, pu`shy, or ru`de, but state what you would like.
• Make sure your offer is enticing. When we get into long-term relationships, we stop making as much of an effort to be se`d`uc`tive. Mut`tering “you wanna do it?” while yawning isn’t exactly going to fire up anyone’s engines (probably not even your own).
. < When you’re trying to get your girl into b`e`d, muster up more enthusiasm and gusto. I’m not saying you need to put on some phony Cass` anova act , but try to initiate in a way that will make her want to say yes. Set yourself up for success!
If you feel stuck, think about the situations or gestures she has responded well to in the past. Does she like it when you look her in the eyes and play with her hair? Can you give her a relaxing back massage?
• If the answer is no, get curious about why. If she says she doesn’t want to have £`e`x, ask her about it. See if you can tune in to gen`uine curiosity about her experiences, without getting defensive or arg`um`entative. Her reasoning might help you shed some light on how to make more successful initiations in the future. Is she stressed from work and in need of a venting session? Is she distracted by the trash you promised her you’d take out? It’s not your job to fix everything, but you may be able to help her relax to the point of being more open to intimacy and connection.
• Feel your disappointment. Being turned down for £`e`x s`u`cks. Trying to pret`end you don’t care is only going to make you feel more frustrated, so it’s best to honestly acknowledge your reaction both to yourself and to your lady.
apy.